You know the saying, “To be honest”, or “If I’m honest”, or “Let’s be honest”? When we use those sayings, it’s usually around a subject that is a struggle in some way, or a sensitive subject. Maybe it’s something that someone is admitting, or commenting on someone one else, (not always nicely). It might be that we’re working through our own thoughts about something, and trying to find our way…
Well, I’m going to try to talk through something that I’m struggling with. If you’ve read my blog at all, or follow me on Facebook, or know me in person, you know that my faith is something that has sustained me, and is extremely important to me. But, “if I’m honest”, I have to admit that it has been a struggle lately. I’m struggling to reconcile a loving God with all of the things that go on in the world, and recently, in my world. I don’t understand why we have things like Autism, Diabetes, Alzheimer’s, Mental Illness, Cancer, Auto-Immune Diseases, and the list goes on. Maybe I need to read Job, because I’m kind of feeling like him right now. And, “if I’m honest”, when I hear those words come out of my mouth, I think, ‘how selfish of me!’ There are people in this world who suffer far more than I do, and who have far worse things going on, who stand firm in their faith. Here I am wondering what’s the point? Also, “if I’m honest”, I look around and see people who aren’t believers who seem to be doing ok. “If I’m honest”, I have to admit also, that I’m kind of tired of being sneered at for my faith, and having my prayers thrown back at me. I’m pretty tired of being looked at differently because of my faith, and I’m tired of the walls that it can create.
And, “if I’m honest”, I have to admit that without my faith, I don’t know how to face anything.
So what now? What does one do, who feels like their prayers are hindered?
I don’t really know. What I’m doing is asking those around me who are strong believers to pray for me. I’m recognizing spiritual warfare for what it is (even though it’s very presence is doing more to annoy me, than ignite my faith), and I’m calling things what they are.
I’m acknowledging that the devil is the father of lies and he has a hold on my family right now in ways I didn’t expect. I also feel strongly that the way to combat the darkness is to shed light. So, while this is definitely not my typical blog post full of encouragement and prayers, it is my attempt at bringing what is causing darkness into the light. I know that one of the devil’s tactics is to isolate us, and I’m fighting hard against that.
“If I’m honest”, I’d have to say that there are parts of me that just want to stop fighting and give in. I’m weary. But, I’m trying my best to put one foot in front of the other and not think too far in advance.
And, I’m banking on this: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” – Romans 8:26-27
Let’s talk about it. Have you ever felt like this? What did you do?
Thanks for listening.