Faith,  Family,  Personal Development

Still Trying to Figure Out

That Was Yesterday
-Leon Bridges

Yesterday I had nothing
Didn’t know whether I’d amount to something
I had holes in my shoes and in my clothes
Only yesterday

I was just a boy living amongst children
Not really a toy that I could play with
I would pretend that anything could happen
That was yesterday

No matter how far I come
Still know where I’m from, oh
Never let it slip away
Still tryin’ to figure out
What the game is all about, oh
So I take it day by day by day
Yesterday no one was listening
Today is gonna be different
You couldn’t hear my voice under the surface
But that was yesterday

Yesterday I had no direction
In my mind I had nothing but questions
I couldn’t never dreamed of what would happen
That was yesterday
That was yesterday
That was yesterday
No matter how far I come
Still know where I’m from, oh
Never let it slip away

Still tryin’ to figure out
What the game is all about, oh
So I take it day by day by day

Yesterday I was hopin’
Today, the future’s wide open
I was lost in the sounds of my mind
But that was yesterday
That was yesterday

I turned on my spotify this morning, and picked a playlist that I haven’t listened to before, “Mellow Morning”. Yes, I thought. That’s what I’m after today. A mellow morning.

So, I sit here at my computer screen with my coffee, the house is quiet, and I’ve got a precious moment to myself. I open up my blog, and see that it’s really been quite some time since I last posted. What immediately comes to my mind is, what a year it’s been. I ponder what to write- do I write a post on Trim Health Mama? Do I talk about why I left my former Homeschool Coop? Do I talk about this school year? Maybe I type up the recipe for the amazing Salmon I made, or the cream sauce from last night.

No. This song came on, and I instantly just want to be. I want to invite you into my space, and rekindle our relationship. I feel I owe a small explanation for my absence.

No matter how far I come
Still know where I’m from, oh
Never let it slip away

It’s been a long, and difficult year, if I’m really honest. I’ll go into detail in a separate post about our homeschool journey, but for today, I’ll stick to my mama heart.

Over the past few years, my kids have experienced some things that have been both tragic and beautiful. Adding additional kids to our family at this stage has not always been easy. But, they say- things worth doing are often very hard. And it has been both worth doing, and hard.

For my middles, they’ve grown so much. We just returned from an extended vacation which included some time in their old home town, and we were surrounded by memories. That was hard for both me and them. It was good, too. We stayed at Nana’s house, and that is a safe haven for us all. It’s nice for me to see my Littles get to experience a very involved Grandma. That’s something they haven’t had before the Middles came into our life, and it has been something that Shea has so longed for. But, we are also reminded that my cousin is missing. The Middles are reminded of their life with their mom. I’m reminded that my Aunt (Nana) is missing her daughter; and while I’m not her by any means, I try to fill that void where I can- both for her and for her (and now my) children. It’s heartbreaking at times.

And, we’re reminded of how far they’ve come, as we’re reminded of from where they’ve come. Three and and half years ago, they were terrified children. The worst had actually happened. If I’m honest, I was terrified also. But I did my best to put a strong face on and march forward while encouraging them to come along. Now, we are forward, and more forward facing than ever. Our faith has deepened. Connection has become of more vital importance than yesterday, and we find the miracle of each day.

Connection has become of more vital importance than yesterday, and we find the miracle of each day.

For my Littles, it has been very scary as well. They learned that your mom can die. They learned that tomorrow is not promised. My youngest has taken that reality very hard.

For my Biggles, they learned many of the same things. They saw their family transform right before their eyes. They watched their mama hurt in ways they never knew possible.

For my husband, he watched his wife hurt, and his children hurt, and tried to comfort new children he really didn’t know. He did his best to be the strength beneath us. Without his quiet strength I don’t know where we’d be.

Why do I reminisce these painful moments today? It’s strange, actually. The last year has been especially difficult for my youngest, but it’s been difficult for us all. It was like a threshold that we didn’t know was there. We walked on the edge of ourselves for months. Mykella marched on towards graduation, got her driver’s license, and is currently off of a Pilgrimage to England. All things she had to do without her first mother. It was beautiful and painful. William faced the prospect of another loss as he’s come to understand High School graduation as the time when your older siblings leave. Shea and Nick were caught somewhere in the middle, and I’ve been working through passing these milestones with my cousin’s children, all the while hoping I’m doing right by what she would want. I’m continually aware of the enormous responsibility and privilege it is to raise her children. It is so important to me to honor her choice, and her memory.

Today, though….. Today, as I wake, I’m looking forward. I can see the dark cloud we’ve been in for the last while, but it feels like we’re coming back out into the sunlight. It feels like we’re on track again. We’ve readjusted our priorities this summer, and pressed way in. We had absolutely the best vacation of my life in Yellowstone National Park. We spent time just being together, and even though probably no one really noticed, healing took place. In that time spent together, our family was solidified as whole. Everyone was a part. From my view, everyone felt like they were valued and important to the whole. That was what my mama heart was looking for. My older kids got to spend time really interacting with the youngers. They all bonded. My daughter in law and I got closer, which has been such a special thing for me. My grandson was surrounded by people who think he is the BEST thing in the world. And all my chicks were under one roof. It was only a few days, but it was everything.

Have you been through a dark valley? Are you in one now? Take heart, my friend. Even when you can’t see it, God is working miracles around you every single day. On the days when nothing makes sense, hold on. Press in. Press in to the people you love, press in to the Savior.

When you’re on a canoe, and it really starts to rock, you go low.

When you’re on a canoe, and it really starts to rock, you go low. You press in to the bottom to steady the canoe. Sometimes, that’s exactly where we need to be. Put down the distractions. Turn the phone and the computer off. Turn off the TV. Cuddle up on the couch with a good book together. Go into your room and just listen to worship music. Let it wash over you. Go Low. Press in.

The sun will come out again.

Love, Semalee

I am a Certified Lifestyle Coach with Trim Healthy Mama- and help moms focus on their health and they health of their families! I help moms tackle overwhelm and encourage them to start loving their life again! I'm Momma to 6, Grandma to 1, and wife to my favorite police officer for over 23 years ;) Together we live life and share the good the bad and the ugly with God as our compass :)

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